Force Awakens: The Reaction
by Anonymius
Summary: While everyone seems excited for the new Star Wars film, there's an inter-dimensional entity who's actually dreading this film coming out!
1. The Eve Before The Premiere

**I do not own 'Star Wars' or anything related.**

* * *

 _With all the excitement for the new Star Wars film, is there anything who's not looking forward to it?_

* * *

The Commentator sits on his throne, his eyes fixed ahead.

"The hour draws near," He was saying, "The moment I have long feared. A moment that will change the course of history forever, whether for better or worse. Personally my money's on worse!"

"Sir?" Asked the Professor, perplexed by his master's sombre tone, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about - Hey Prof? Does everything feel - different to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, but it's like everything's in a different - well anyway, I'm talking about-"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Cried Sammy the Slug, jumping up and down excitedly, "It's almost out! Star wars, star wars, star wars, star wars-"

The Commentator knocked Sammy away and into a wall.

"DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THAT MOVIE!"

Falling to the floor, Sammy got up.

"Wait a minute! Boss! Are you - not looking forward to the new star wars movie?"

"No, I'm not," the Commentator crossed his arms.

Sammy looked puzzled.

"But - but - BUT EVERYONE'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW STAR WARS FILM!"

"I'm not! I hate this movie, heck, I was against it being made right from the start! Ah, I can remember learning about the film just like it was a month ago..."

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Commentator walked into the room.

"Are you alright, Sir?" The Professor asked.

"Oh, oh Professor, I had that recurring nightmare again!"

"You'll have to elaborate, Sir, you have a number of recurring nightmares, which one was it in particular?"

"The Star Wars one."

"Huh? Oh right, the one where you dream someone has the outright audacity to give Star Wars a dark, gritty re-imagining like they did with 'Battlestar Galactica'."

The Commentator sat down.

"I don't know why I keep dreaming about it."

"Perhaps on some subconscious level, you WANT to have a 'Battlestar Galactica' version of Star Wars?"

The Commentator gave him a horrified look.

"WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE? Why on any level would I want there to be a version of Star Wars that removes all the joy and fun and aliens and lightsabers and lasers and names like Skywalker or Solo where everyone looks like they're living in present even though they have had advanced technology enough for space flight for years, unrealistic artificial gravity, hyper-space and self aware robots where you give the guy that girls love and guys want to be a sex change and you make the only major black character no longer black who's in reality a robot sleeper agent? Okay I'll admit that perhaps I'm fascinated with the idea of the characters we know being in a more real-life and relatable environment and retelling the story of the battle between the empire and rebellion to feature scenarios that reflect current day struggles with totalitarian governments and insurgents plus a grey setting would allow people to see the so called bad guys aren't so bad and the so called good guys aren't exactly angels plus getting rid of anything ridiculously long like a 25,000 year old republic or Jedi Order and replace it with a more realistic history, actually reimagining galactic history so that it reflected earth history with that mix of ancient and futuristic technology mixed together no to mention creating cultures that have parallels to real civilizations and groups as well as different attitudes to force sensitives and different traditions might be kinda fun BUT IT'S NOT WORTH IT, PROF! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! I mean, can you imagine anything worse than a dark, gritty, grey reimagining of Star Wars?"

"Oh don't worry, Boss! I'm sure the new movie will be nothing like that!"

"I'm sure it won't be. Wait. New movie? What new movie?"

"Haven't you heard, Boss? They're making a new Star Wars movie!"

The Commentator's jaw drops.

"-THEY'RE WHAT? Why? I mean grant it we had the prequels, but they were planned for a long time! Why are they now making a sequel to a trilogy that was perfectly wrapped up thirty years ago? What's George Lucas thinking?"

"Oh, George Lucas has nothing to do with this," The Professor told him, "Apparently he sold the rights to Star Wars."

"HE WHAT? He SOLD his children? Who would sell they're children? I mean if we were profitable, Anonymius would never sell us to anyone else! He would only give us up over his dead body! But make sure we're handed over to the right people. Well anyway, who did he sell them to?"

"Disney."

"D-dddd-DISNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY? Oh this is bad, this is really, really bad. No wait! I should have said that 'I have a bad feeling about this'. Crap!"

"What do you mean?" Sammy asked, "Boss, aren't you excited?"

"Excited? I'M HORRIFIED! AND TERRIFIED! AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN RRIFIED!"

"But Boss, it's Star Wars!"

"Exactly! I don't want there to be any cash grabbing sequels to my beloved films! They're fine the way they are, they don't need sequels!"

"But Boss! This is a chance to see what happened to the galaxy and our favourite characters after Return of the Jedi and where they ended up!"

"We already have that, it's call the Expanded Universe! And even if you're not happy with the direction they took it (like, say, killing off a beloved character), at least you can take comfort in the fact that it's not hard canon, meaning you don't have to accept it. Now they're forcing a what happened next scenario on us? Hey wait a minute! If they're dealing with what came after, what does that mean for the EU?"

"I think they will make it non-canon," The Professor said.

"So, over 25 years of expanded material including books, games, comic books and even cartoon series, will be become just as relevant as books, games and comic books in other franchises? Wow, talk about being given the finger. I can't imagine how Star Wars fans are reacting to this news."

"Actually, I believe most Star Wars fans are looking forward to the new films," The Professor tells him.

"THEY'RE WHAAAAAAA?"

"Indeed. It's only really the most hardcore fans who seem to be against this film."

"-Let me get this straight. They make a fuss over who shot who first, but a cash grabbing sequel to a film series that was perfectly wrapped which could potentially mess up the Star Wars universe WORSE than the prequels and constant changes to the film COMBINED? Sigh, I will never understand that hive mind."

* * *

"Sir? Can you please tell us WHY you're so against this film? Aside from any reasons you might have given in that flashback?"

"Well aside from the fact that I'm not exactly looking forward to seeing a film with aged versions of my beloved characters way past their prime in a money grabbing sequel to series a that had been perfectly wrapped up for years, let's go through what we know so far about this new film, shall we? See, this is a film about an evil militaristic state led by a masked guy all in black with magical powers, headed by a guy who doesn't look like your typical human who is also versed in the dark side, against a band of rebels fighting for freedom in the galaxy, where the former is hunting down someone on this desert planet, where our main hero probably wants to get off that rock, and there is also a cute robot side kick, and some kind of fat gangster on that planet as well; where the jedi are on the verge of extinction, there's an aged warrior hermit; which later goes to a jungle planet, and one of main characters learns to wield a blue lightsaber. And do you know what that sounds like? THE FIRST F****NG FILM! Seriously? SERIOUSLY? THIS was your idea for a sequel? Just repeat the plot of the original with different characters? That's one of the things you DON'T do in a sequel! Heck even George Lucas knew not to have a similar storyline repeated, which was why they had Anakin Solo killed off!"

"Usually Sir, I would agree with you, but you know, they pretty much did that with 'Star Wars: Rebels', and that's proved to be successful."

"Prof, 'Star Wars: Rebels' isn't a repetition of the original set up with different names and characters! It's a repetition of the original set up with different names and characters spliced with Firefly. Plus Aladdin as a jedi. Come on, they even sound the same! Just listen!

"seriously, am I the only one whose worried that these Star Wars sequels are going to end up ruining Star Wars? It's like if someone took something years ago that was perfectly closed like the terminator films, made a sequel years later, ruined the ending that wrapped up everything by revealing that they had not stopped Judgement Day, that Judgement Day was inevitable, which was fine by itself, but THEN ended the film with the post-apocalyptic future happening anyway, depriving one of the classic lines of any meaning. AND LOOK HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT! Seriously, Sarah Conner Chronicles was a better continuation than all of those sequels combined!

"I just have this feeling that rather than showing how the galaxy has changed over the last thirty years, it's just gone back to what it was like in the first place! And as you well know Prof I HATE IT when anything rather than moving forward decides to take a u turn! It's why I lost interest in 'Revolution' after the first episode of the second season, it's why I lost interest in 'Misfits' after the first episode of Series Three, and I swear if J. J. ABRAMS has done the same thing to my beloved film series then I will be pisssssssssssssssssssssed."

The Professor was confused.

"But Sir! Shouldn't a dark side oriented individual like yourself PREFER it with the bad guys in power again?"

"Yah think so, wouldn't ya? But even a lax Dark Warlord conqueror like myself can appreciates the need for balance between dark and light. Which was SUPPOSED to have been achieved at the end of the last film, but it seems that balance that became the focus of the entire series didn't last very long! And yet so many people are just too happy that there's a new Star Wars film to even realise it! Honestly, it's 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' all over again. Everyone was soooooooo excited over the new film, and I was like the only one who thought that a heavily CGIed film starring an aged Indiana Jones wasn't going to be that good. AND WHAT HAPPENED? Well, fans seemed to hate it but I thought it was rather good, but maybe that was because my expectations were so low whereas everyone else's was freaking high."

"GASP! BOSS! How could you possibly like Crystal Skull? It had aliens? ALIEEENS!"

"Inter-dimensional beings, Sam. Besides, they made a game years ago where Indy faced a bunch a extradimensional aliens, and no one seemed to make a fuss about that! If anything people praised the storyline. Besides it's not like we actually saw him in an actual spaceship. I mean haven't people learnt ANYTHING from Phantom Menace and Crystal Skull?"

"Sure!" Sammy replied, "It's to remove George Lucas from the equation, and then you'll get a successful sequel for the film series you love so much!"

"And if fans end up hating this film even more than those two, I'll be like 'fool you once, shame on the film companies, fool you twice, shame on the people who went ahead to buy the tickets, fool you three times...' Yeah, I don't actually have something for that."

"Well Sir, maybe the film will surprise you? Maybe it will turn out in spite of your prejudices it will be very good?"

"Prof, listen to me, it's going to be a disaster!"

"That's what you said about Amazing Spider-man."

"Well ultimately that did prove to be a disaster. Heck even the title sounds stupid! The Force Awakens, what does that even mean?"

"Well..." Sammy replied hesitantly, "What do the other titles mean?"

"Well let's see, shall we?" The Commentator retorted, "See, 'Phantom Menace' refers to the phantom like image of Palpatine and all the menacing he does, 'Attack of the Clones' features clones attacking, 'Revenge of the Sith' has the Sith getting their revenge, 'A New Hope' refers to the new hope for the galaxy that is Luke Skywalker, 'Empire Strikes Back' has the empire striking back, 'Return of the Jedi' has the Jedi returning, and 'Force Awakens'...what, was the force asleep for a time? Does an energy field sleep, why did it go to sleep, if it's waking up what does that mean for the galaxy, does it mean more force sensitives, does it mean something else THAT TITLE MAKES NO SENSE! And if you can't even win me over with the title what does that say? Honestly, after all that trouble to bring back the Republic and the Jedi only to be back where they started. It's worse than what happened in the EU! Oh well, hopefully there are still a more band of jedi in this film."

"Small band? Boss, I don't think there's even that!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Sam, no!" The Professor whispered.

"Boss? Didn't you see the final trailer?"

"I swore off reading anything related to that film the moment I learnt the rebellion had just been placed with the Resistance. Plus the fact that they're called the very name in my Star Wars BSG nightmare is not very assuring."

"Maybe you should watch it?"

"Why? Oh no, what crushing face did they let out this time?"

The Commentator went over to the computer.

"Sir, I wouldn't recommend watching it. You might not like what you see."

"Prof, I have to know!"

The Commentator searched for the trailer.

"Only pain will you find!"

"I must know the truth, Prof! There! Now let's see what Sammy's talking about!"

ABOUT THREE MINUTES LATER...

after watching the trailer, The Commentator looked confused.

"Stories? Why would the Jedi be reduced to stories? I mean after Return of the Jedi wasn't Luke meant to start rebuilding the order? Why wouldn't there be any jedi unless for some reason Luke decided oh you stupid SON OF A BITCH!"

The Commentator bashed the keyboard, his fists crackling with electricity.

"YOU BASTARD! How could you? HOW COULD YOU? How could you not have the Jedi returning? What possible logical reason could you possibly have for Luke not rebuilding like he was supposed to? Heck, that's exactly what he did in the Expanded Universe even if it did take him like ten years to go about recruiting any body that wasn't his sister, but still! Oh no, it doesn't look like Leia became a Jedi either! Wasn't he supposed to teach her? Wasn't he supposed to pass on what he had learned? So what possible reason could he have you've screwed up the Star Wars universe YOU F****NG MORON!"

The Commentator ends up destroying the computer.

"That's it. That's the last straw. You have failed me for the last time movie and if I could I would force choke you to death before you can harm anyone with your story! No wait, force choking sounds too merciful, FILLING YOUR BODY WITH FORCE LIGHTNING WOULD BE MORE SUITABLE! Oh J.J. How could you have done this? I mean you're the guy who brought us Alias, Lost, Fringe. How could the guy who reimagined Mission Impossible from a camp action flick into a slick spy film and save 'Star Trek' mess up Star Wars so much?"

"Well Sir, maybe it won't be so bad. I mean it did seem like the Jedi didn't return, but after watching it again I did realise that what Han Solo said about the Jedi is that 'they're real' not 'were real', so maybe the Jedi are around-"

"Oh that's just wishful thinking, Prof! That's it, there are only two happy outcomes of this. Either this has been all misdirection and the republic's still around along with this resistance and there are jedi, or this move is awful, causing fans to Disney for screwing up Star Wars worse than George Lucas ever did and it gets a rating on Rotten Tomatoes so low that it will discourage anyone from actually watching it, causing it to bomb, forcing the company to give the rights back to Lucas who not only strips this of canon status or any relevance but makes sure that no one ever tries to make a sequel to Star wars EVER AGAIN! Actually, that would be a devious plan to halt all and possible talks of making future sequels for anything."

"Well Sir, I know bad reception has destroyed a number of films in the past like 'Fantastic Four' and 'After Earth', but I don't think even bad press can stop this film."

"No you're right. Oh who am I kidding? It'll probably make great reviews, make tons of money, leading to future sequels that will further ruin Star Wars. Sigh. I need a moment to clear my head."

"You mean you're going to go out having a drink in every drinking place you pass?"

"You're implying that's not the same thing?"

* * *

"GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!"

The Commentator slammed the bottle at the Mos Espa inspired bar in that 'Reboot' system that looked like Tatooine.

"Alright! Here's the thing! Initially, I was against this film right from the start!"

* * *

THE HOG'S HEAD INN:

"I mean the Star Wars series is fine as six films. Of course loads of fans will probably say that they would have preferred it as three, but you know, six is fine, we don't need any sequels!"

The Commentator looked around.

"Hey, where is everybody?"

"They're probably down at the Tri-Wizard Tournament?" Aberforth explained.

"The Tri-Wizard Tournament? Wait, which world is this? I mean I know it's 'Harry Potter', but which AU?"

* * *

PUB IN ELIZABETHAN TIMES:

"But noooooo, George Lucas had to get all greedy and sell his babies just so he could extend his house!"

* * *

BAR IN 'FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST':

"I mean I could have liked it, even if it does feature sixty year old Luke Skywalker and Leia and a 70 year Han Solo."

"Uhuh," replied a soldier at the bar.

* * *

A RANDOM STREET IN A SUBURBAN TOWN:

"But there are just some things you don't mess around with! Like how it seems that the empire has just returned under a different name, and the rebels are back to being rebels again! Oh I'm sorry! "The Resistance"!"

The Commentator drank as he danced with a bunch of anime filler characters.

* * *

TAVERN AT GERDA AND KAI'S VILLAGE:

"Yeah, Anonymius made up some BSG reimagining nightmare trailer for a reimagined Star Wars, which featured the rebellion being renamed the resistance! And that was partly meant to be a joke! What are they also gonna feature...something else in that trailer that I can't quite think of at the moment?"

The Commentator downed the mug in his hand.

"Ah. This is good beer."

"Ah yes, we produce the finest root beer in the region," The barkeep was telling him.

"-root beer?"

The commentator ended up spitting some out.

"That's not alcoholic enough! That's no alcoholic at all! You gave me a non-alcoholic beverage?"

"-What's alcohol?"

"Oh damn you and your disney universe! What happened to the good old days, where alcohol was featured in a way that discouraged children from drinking? Great, now I'll have to drink twice as much in the next bar!"

* * *

BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DISCARDED HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS:

"Not to mention it feels like they're just repeating the plot of Star Wars something in a sequel they tell you NOT TO DO! But nooooo, seriously, what is J. J. Abrams thinking?"

The commentator floated in the bottomless pit, swiping a couple of bottles of whiskey, downing them as he ranted to Professor Binns.

* * *

THE THREE BROOMSTICKS:

"I mean this is the guy who brought us Alias, Lost, Fringe, revamped Mission Impossible, saved Star Trek and did all other kinds of things!"

"What are you talking about?" Asked a wizard who happened to be listening.

"Oh you poor, poor wizards and your stunted pop culture!"

* * *

BAR IN 'HEROES':

"How could a self-proclaimed Star Wars fan mess up Stars Wars so much?"

* * *

SNAPE'S OFFICE:

"What was he just after to make his own star wars film and jumped at the opportunity...?"

The commentator dodged a jar of cockroaches.

"Hey, watch where you throw that thing, will you?"

* * *

RANDOM STAGE:

"I mean can you imagine if someone took a bunch of fairy tales and screwed up their happily afters? Kinda what they're doing now, only they make it CANON so you have no choice but to accept their screwover?"

"Hey! Will you get off my stage!" Snapped Snape, "I'm in the middle of expressing my feelings over not being able to torment Potter from now on!"

"Oh get over it Snape was like eight years ago!"

* * *

BAR IN THE LEAF VILLAGE:

"I mean this is Disney, for crying out loud! DISNEY! The guys famous for giving sad stories happy endings!"

* * *

BAR AT TEAM ROCKET HQ:

"What do they get the happy endings for 'The Little Mermaid' and Hunchback by stealing them from other films?"

The Commentator looked around at the bar he was in, then at the bottle he was drinking with suspicion.

"Wait a minute. Is this a 4kids bar? Have I just ended up drinking grapefruit juice? DAMNIT!"

He smashed the bottle on the bar.

"What no!" The Team Rocket agent next to him corrected him, "The Boss legalised alcohol like four years ago!"

"He did? HOORAY!"

The Commentator threw the smashed bottle in the air.

"LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!"

"Hold on! You're actually...HAPPY with Eric Yamaru as our ruler?"

"Yes I am you f****ng traitor and as your glorious leader waht you just said I find mos offensive."

And he electrocuted the rocket with lightning.

* * *

HARRY OSBORNE'S OFFICE AT HIS HOUSE:

The Commentator clicked his fingers.

"Tron! That's another timeless classic that had its happy ending screwed over. I mean that film ended with flynn getting miliions, and he lived happily ever after! The end!"

"Hey, get your hands off of my scotch!" Harry Osborne shouted.

* * *

BAR AT THE BAXTER BUILDING:

"Only Tron legacy is like "Oh noooooo, that's not what happened, no!" He only lived happily for ten years, then he was trapped in tron world for like twenty years, and then he died! HE DIED! So much for his happy ending, as Avril Lavigne would sing!"

* * *

REIMAGINED MOS EISLEY CANTINA WHICH NOW LOOKS LIKE A SHADY BAR IN TUNISIA:

"Oh no! Elderly Luke Skywalker even looks like edlery Flynn! or is it the other way round?"

"Skywalker? That's a dumb last name!" Luke Lars remarked.

"OH SCREW YOU AND YOUR DOWN TO EARTH NAMES YOU- YOU!" The Commentator shouted.

"This boy isn't worth your trouble."

A raspy voiced Ben Kenobi who looked asian and had acne scars appeared. The Commentator looked at him.

"Huh. An actual Japanese Obi-Wan Kenobi in a world that has surprisingly few japense people despite all the japnease cutlre and names! I can actually get my heda around that! Even if you dfo look like an Asian version of James Olmost."

"Obi-Wan? My name is Ben."

"Aaaaand you lost me!"

The Commentator disappeared.

* * *

INTERVIEW BOOTH FOR THE HUNGER GAMES:

"Oh, no, that's what's gonna happen, isn't it? Luke Skywalker and the others are going to be screwed of their happy endings and we'll end up right BACK where we started 30 years ago, right f****ng back!"

"Okay, who the heck are you and how did you get in here?" Demanded Caesar Flickerman.

"Oh that's right, you pepole dont HAVE Sart wars, do you? All you have are kids that kill each other every years! Seriously, what do you guys do for the rest of the years? Apart from the tout, don't you guys have anything else to watch? Just do SOMETHING that doesn't involeved killing kids!"

"Security!"

* * *

THE LEAKEY CAULDRON:

"It wouldn't be so bad. It wouldn't be so bad, I mean they've been continuing Star Wars for years, and for all the mistakes the EU made, like killing off a beloved main character name after a certain beloved pet, at least you saw the galaxy and the characters grow and mature."

* * *

THE LEAKEY CAULDRON:

"As opposed to just remaining where they were thirty years ago. No, even worse, regressed where they were thirty years before!"

The Commentator looks around.

"Hey wait a minute. Wasn't It already here?"

"To Harry Potter,"

The wizards all raised their glasses.

"Oh tat's right this is the AU where Harry is thought dead and he comes back and ahs to fight off a giant snake and his legion of baddies?"

"Will you show some respect?" One of the witches whispered.

"Oh, srecew you, random witch, Harry Potter's alive, he wasr saved by an owl who dropped him to live with a muggle and the same owl's about to staeal Mcgonagll's hat in order to show her where! Whoops, HIC! Spoilers!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That owl! That owl right there!"

A white, blue tinged owl swooped down the moment the door was opened, snatching Professor McGonagall's hat.

"Hey, come back here with my hat!"

And she turned into a cat, chasing after the owl.

"Yep, see HIC! TOLD ya!" The Commentator boasted, swinging from his chair.

* * *

BAR IN 'YU YU HAKUSHO':

"It wouldn't be so bad, if we hadn't lost the new republic and the jedi never came back like they were logically supposed to do after return of jedi. Heck it's called return of the jedi for that very reason, how can you have return of the jedi if you don't have the ejdi returning?"

* * *

"YOU MANIAC! YOU F**KED IT UP! DAMN YOU! OH DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

The Commentator smashes the bar with electrical fists, leaving dents.

"Or whaever the star wars equivalent is."

And he falls backwards.

"Did that guy just destroy our bar?" The Assistant bar keep asked.

"Hey I'm not complaining," The Bar Keep admitted, "Since that clock and manga, this is the first customer we've had!"

"By the way-"

The Commentator raised his hand.

"Anyone else have the unccanny feeling that Luke Skywalker is going to die in th next film?"

And he drops it.

 _Is the Commentator right? Will Force Awakens prove to be a disaster, for Star Wars and for fans as well? Or are his fears unfounded? I guess we'll all find out tomorrow! Tune in to see what the Commentator's reaction will be, whatever the outcome!_

 _Personally I don't care. I'd still go see it, if I wasn't just a voice who exists only to narrate!_

 **P.S. I don't own 'Reboot', 'Harry Potter', 'Fullmetal Alchemist', 'Heroes', 'Naruto', 'Pokemon', 'Spider-man', 'Fantastic Four', 'Hunger Games' or 'Yu Yu Hakusho' or anything related to any of these either!**


	2. The Reaction

**I do not own 'Star Wars' or anything related.**

* * *

 **Warning! The following contains spoilers regarding the new film! If you don't want to be spoiled, please look away now!**

* * *

"Huh. Where am I?"

The Commentator was in the middle of some mist. He sees the Star Wars title appear.

"Oo, Star Wars!"

The opening crawl came up.

"Wait, Episode Seven?"

The commentator found himself in a cinema.

"EPISODE SEVEN? Oh no, I'm watching the new film! Well screw that, I'm getting outta here!"

Suddenly cuffs on the arms of his chair appeared to strap him in. He struggled, but couldn't get free.

"No! No! It's okay, I'll just shut my eyes and-"

The commentator then found his eyelids taped back and some liquid dropped in his eyes.

"No! NO!"

The opening crawl starts to set up the scenario:

In the galaxy, the rebels successfully managed to build the New Republic.

"Phew!"

Then the empire came back in a new form, took over again, and reduced the republic to rebels again, rechristened the Resistance.

"NO! NO!"

The Commentator did not like what he was watching.

"No, you're just repeating the plot of 'Star Wars'! Even the prequels didn't do that! Let me out! LET ME OUT!"

The Commentator suddenly found himself on Tatooine. He came across an elderly hermit, who turned out to be Luke Skywalker.

"Luke Skywalker! Oh thank goodness I found you! You have to do something! The empire is taking over again so get your Jedi to fight them back!"

"Jedi?" Luke seemed confused, "What Jedi?"

"What Je- the Jedi you were supposed to start recruiting after 'Return of the Jedi'!"

"Yeah...didn't get around to doing that."

"YOU WHAT? WHY NOT?"

"I dunno" Luke shrugged.

"You dunno? YOU DUNNO? That's all I get, a shrug and an 'I dunno'? What happened to rebuilding the Jedi order? What happened to passing what you had learned? I mean even if you did manage to train the one student who might have ironically turned to the dark side basically repeating what happened to Darth Vader, that is still just one student, you can't rebuild the order if you limit yourself to just one student, so why didn't you do that?"

"I dunno."

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I've started training someone to become my apprentice."

"What, you mean thirty years after you were supposed to?"

"Yeah! Look at him over there fighting Kylo Ren."

The Commentator saw Finn engaging Ren in a lightsaber duel.

"Doesn't that fight look awesome?"

"Well yeah compared to the originals and youtube lightsaber fights, but compared to what we saw in the prequels, it's kinda boring. I mean, where are the flips? Where are the somersaults? Where's the fast paced action? Where's the swinging lightsaber around for no good reason other than it looks cool?"

"Well we're kinda pretending that the prequels didn't happen, so we're starting from scratch since the originals."

"What? You're pretending nothing in the prequels ever happened? Not even the good stuff?"

"GASP!" Gasped a fan.

"He's saying the prequels were better than the originals!" Another one accused.

"BURN HIM!" cried a crowd of fans wielding pitchforks and torches.

"Okay, look, I admit they weren't perfect, but there were a few things that you have to admit were better compared to the originals-"

"GET HIM!"

The Commentator yelled as he was chased by the angry mob.

"Help me, Luke Skywalker, you're my only hope!"

"Sorry Com. I'm off to get pointlessly slaughtered by Darth Vader copycat here."

"You're WHAT?"

"Yeah, I mean everyone knows that the old mentor always has to die."

"No he doesn't! 'Merlin' proved that! Come on, none of you can like this, can you?"

The Commentator found himself surrounded by cheering fans.

"You've gotta be kidding me! It's f**ked up Star wars! It's f**ked up its future! This is way worse than re-editing who shot who first or making prequels that end up neutering your favourite villain! No! NO!"

Kylo Ren sliced through Skywalker.

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Commentator found himself sitting on a couch.

"Sir, are you okay?" Asked the Professor, "You've been out for a while now."

"Okay? NO I'M NOT OKAY? Don't you see, Prof? It's ruined! Star wars is ruined! By one of my favourite directors!"

The Commentator broke down into tears.

"Sir, aren't you overeacting just a little? Beside, it's just a film."

The Commentator stopped crying and stared at him.

"Just a film? JUST A FILM? Prof, this is not just a film! It's six for one thing. But more importantly, it's something that has touched thousands of people's lives for the past thirty-five years, and it's been ruined. RUINED! Besides you know for a commentator all fiction is reality."

"Well, yes, but Sir, maybe you're overeacting? If you must know, you're not the only one who's worried about this movie."

"Oh Prof, I tried looking for other people, but I couldn't find them! All I could find were happy go lucky fans who were just so happy there was a new Star Wars film oblivious to how it would f**k it up! Except for maybe that one guy who found it depressing that there weren't anymore Jedi."

"Well, maybe you are mistaken. Actually, a couple of people responded to what you said, and kinda feel the same way."

"THEY DO?"

"Indeed. Listen to this one from J. Hellscythe:

In all honesty, the answer to the question of whether or not abrams will fuck up star wars is most likely, but I'm going to see it so I can give it my final, unbiased opinon... Plus I want to be there to say "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Yes, chewie dying was heart breaking, but God DAMN he went out like a bonafide badass. IT TOOK A FUCKING MOON COLLIDING WITH ITS PLANET TO KILL THAT WOOKIE! IF THAT DOESN'T SCREAM LEGENDARY, THEN KNOW WHAT DOES!

I feel like Kylo Ren will be a respectable villian, but I have absolutely no love for his boss... the guys name says it all... his name is Snoke... that's right, you heard me! This is supposed to by Darth Sidious' successor? GET YOUR HEAD OUT YOUR DAMN ASS ABRAMS!

Now, the only thing I really have against Kylo Ren so far is the fact that he's a cheap copy of Darth Revan... I'm actually surprised you didn't include that in your rant.

but I'll probably end up moderately pleased with this movie because my expectations are so low... that being said, me and my older Brother are going to give our fellow spectators a fantastic show by having a Lightsaber Duel before the movie (show them fools how it's done!) and it'll be a great duel because he and I are old pros with the Lightsaber.

just know that you're not the only one who thinks this movie is going to ruin the franchise."

"Huh? Oh yeah, right the whole 'Kylo Ren looks like Darth Revan' thing. Yeah, that I actually kinda like. I mean in an age where the expanded universe has lost its canonicity, has only increased the importance of EU material making it into canon! Even if Kylo Ren does look like Darth Revan. I mean, just compare an image of him to that of Darth Revan, and YEAH! It's Revan! It's Darth f****ng Revan! You can change the design of his mask all you want, it still doesn't hide the face that this guy is Revan! So yeah, what other have people sent?"

"Well, this one is from AmazingGraceless:

This is how most of the fans seem to be acting. This is a fact."

"What, really? But I thought everyone was looking forward to the new film, and I was like the only one who felt otherwise."

"It's actually quite logical, Sir. Although of course there are going to be fans who are eager for a new Star Wars film, there are also going to be those who would be worried that what they love will be ruined by another film."

"I'm not the only one - I'm not the only one!"

The Commentator started to break down in tears.

"Suddenly I feel less insane when I know I don't feel like the only one who thinks that way - wait, what's Brainy doing on my couch?"

An alien looking creature with a brain for a head that has an uncanny resemblance to Mantenna from She-Ra was groaning on the couch.

"Oh, he got upset because someone had the audacity to write a piece of fanfiction that altered the plot of 'Frozen' so he went on his own drinking spree across Anonymius' fanfiction. Kind of like what you did."

"Oh come on, that's not the same thing at all! I mean it's different if it's a what if scenario, that's how people can tolerate the new Star Trek films, this is about altering the main - PROF WHY IS THERE A HOLE IN THE WALL? What happened while I was out?"

"Oh. Well, Teneko came crashing in, wanting to take part in our reviews for 'Frozen: What Could Have Happened', and given there is always three of us, I thought-"

"YOU GAVE ONE OF THE OTHER MINIONS A CHANCE TO RESPOND TO A REVIEW?"

"Um, yes."

"- Huh. Well it has been a while since any of them have done anything. And now to get down to business."

The Commentator got on a computer.

"I'm going to find out just exactly how bad J. J. Abrams has f****d up my beloved film series, and whether my fears have been realised."

The Commentator prepared himself for the worst.

"Gasp. All right. Here goes."

He starts reading the synopsis.

"Hmmm. 'After thirty years the rebel alliance has successfully built the New Republic ... has backed a military organisation called the Resistance'! Phew! That's a relief! For a moment I was worried that the empire came back and reduced the republicans to rebels again! Now, let's see if my OTHER fear has been realised."

Reading the synopsis.

"Wait. What's this? 'After thirty years the last surviving Jedi'? How could he still be the last surviving after thirty years unless oh you SON OF A BITCH!"

The Commentator started crackling with energy.

"You did it! You f****d up! you f****d up the future of the Jedi! you f****d up Star Wars! It's like coming across something on the verge of extinction like the Bengal Tiger, where there's only one left but you manage to ensure it will survive and the population will grow again, then you leave it for thirty years while someone makes some alternate reality showing its struggles yet survived and then you're brought back to the same reserve only to find that not only is there still just one tiger but it's the same tiger that's aged! Damn you J. J. Abrams! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

The Commentator raised his electrical fists.

"Please sir, no! Not another computer!"

He brings them down, then stops.

"Alright, computer. I'll spare you for now. I just want to see exactly what happens in this film now that I have no reason for ever wanting to see it. Hmm. Okay. Oo! That's interesting. Wait this sounds vaguely familiar. Wait, what's this? 'Luke skywalker disappeared after his apprentice Kylo Ren turned to the dark side and destroyed everything he built'. Hmmmm. Okay, I'm going to assume that means Luke DID start rebuilding the Jedi order, but them Abrams I mean Kylo Ren f****d it up for him, reducing it to just one age Jedi master. Well okay. It's still them going back to where they started at the beginning of the film, something which I must add I'm not exactly keen has happened! But at least it's not him not training anyone or not trying to bring back the Jedi for no reason."

"But Boss!" Sammy the slug piped, "What about-?"

"I am going - to assume - that Luke did bring back the Jedi order - only for Kylo Ren to destroy everything he built."

"Look just let him believe what he wants to, okay?" The Professor whispered to Sammy, "Do you want him to freak out thinking his fear has been realised made even worst than that fact that it scored ninety-five percent? Personally I think he's right. I mean now that I think about it, Kylo Ren did say that he would crush the last Jedi, which makes it sound that a number of them left I mean the sentence doesn't make sense if it's just one person-"

"Wait what was that?"

"Um, nothing, Sir!"

"No seriously, what was that about the percentage of reviews?"

"Oh. It scored ninety five percent on rotten tomatoes."

"- Ninety-five? Ninety-five? NINETY-FIVE? And how exactly did the original films bear?"

"Well both Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back got ninety-four."

"- Are you seriously trying to tell me that not only has Abrams given fans a new Star Wars film that's actually GOOD, but BETTER than the originals?"

"That is what it seems like, Sir."

"Ohhhhh, DAMN YOU ABRAMS! Damn you and your ability to direct critically acclaimed films! GASP!"

"What is it?"

"I just found out something shocking about Kylo Ren! As shocking as it is totally expected! Alright! I haven't read the whole thing, but I will admit that so far what I've read is kinda awesome. Even if they are somewhat repeating the plot of the original film WHICH I WARNED YOU WOULD HAPPEN!"

"Yes, Sir. Yes you did. So...does this mean you'll be wanting to watch this film?"

"WELL?" Nearly all the minions appeared crowding the Commentator.

"...I suppose. But it's really not up to me if we see it or not."

"It's not?" Sammy exclaimed, "Then who? Who do we have to convince in order for us to see the film?"

"...Well what do you say, Anonymius? Are you going to watch this?"

 **….I guess I can give it a try.**

"HOORAY!" The minions cheer.

"Hey, keep it down, will you?" Brainiac moaned, "I'm in mourning here!"

"When?" Sammy asked.

 **The thirtieth.**

"That's an oddly specific date," The Commentator remarked.

 **Oh, that's because someone already asked me if I was interested in seeing it on that date. I said I wasn't sure, but after what I learned...yeah, why not.**

"HOORAY!" Was the cheer again.

"And afterwards," Said the Commentator, "We can do an abridged commentary if it's so bad giving this film a critique it deserved!"

"Phew!" Said Sammy, "I think we dodged a bullet there! I mean can you imagine how Boss would have reacted if the film did turn out like he feared?"

"I don't even want to conceive that scenario," The Professor confessed.

* * *

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.…

A city was going by it's usual business, until-

"NINTEY F****G FIVE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

An electrical surge appeared out of nowhere, engulfing the entire city.


End file.
